I am still your mom… even without you here

 I am still your mom… even without you here.

That thought hit me today when I found myself straightening the little things around your memorial corner. I wiped the dust from your picture, touched your collar, and moved the candle closer like I was still taking care of you somehow.

And then I just stood there.

Because there are no meals to prepare now. No water bowl to refill. No blanket to fix after you turned it into a little nest. No sleepy face waiting for me to notice that you needed something.

But my heart still wakes up feeling responsible for you.

I still check the weather and think about whether you would be too hot or too cold. I still notice the time you used to eat. I still pause when I see something you would have loved. My hands remember caring for you even though there is nothing left for them to do.

People may have called me your owner.

That word never felt right.

I was your mom.

I knew your different sounds. I knew when you were tired, nervous, excited, or just pretending you needed to go outside because you wanted my attention. I knew the look in your eyes when you needed comfort. I knew where you liked to sleep and how to make you feel safe.

And you knew me too.

You knew when I was trying to hide a hard day. You knew when to stay close without being asked. You followed me from room to room, not because you had to, but because being near me was where you wanted to be.

That was our family.

It did not matter that you had paws instead of hands or that the world saw something different when it looked at us. I loved you with the same protective, worried, proud, tender love that lives inside a mother’s heart.

Losing you did not take that love away.

It only took away all the places I used to put it.

Now it goes into your picture. Into the way I still say your name. Into the blanket I cannot part with and the memories I protect like they are something fragile.

Sometimes I wonder whether you still know I am your mom.

I hope wherever you are, you still feel it.

I hope you remember my voice, my hands, and the way I told you that you were my baby. I hope you knew, every single day, that you belonged with me.

I may not be able to care for you the way I once did, but I will keep loving you the way I always have.

Nothing about goodbye could ever change who you are to me.

You are still my baby.

And I am still your mom. Always.