Once you lose a pregnancy

 Once you lose a pregnancy, you don’t get the innocence back.

You spend the next one looking for white rabbits.
Signs. Warnings.
Anything that tells you what comes next.

You watch your body closely.
Waiting for the shoe to drop.

Every cramp makes your breath catch.
Every wipe becomes a pause.
Every off feeling sends your heart racing.

You want to feel joy.
You are grateful.
And you are still afraid.

Both live in you now.

This is pregnancy after loss.
Hopeful. Guarded.
Braver than most people will ever know.